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Private equity is entering the part of the film where the easy tricks stop working.
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Nothing says “we’re in control” like a forecast that changes more often than the CEO’s opinion.
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The smartest thing most agencies do isn’t marketing.
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The investor update is now a literary genre.
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Culture has become the safest thing to blame.
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The safest asset class in the room just started checking the exits.
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A lot of firms sell an operating model. They bought a Trello board.
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Standardisation is what people demand when they don’t trust management.
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Private equity “returning to its roots” is a polite way of saying the party ended and someone finally turned the lights on.
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Operating partners need a badge and a gun, not another steering committee invite.
Private equity keeps hiring “value creation” people, then sends them into portfolio companies with zero mandate, zero budget, and the authority level of a polite email. And then everyone acts confused when the plan doesn’t happen. Obvious value creation: We underwrote 300 bps of margin expansion from “procurement synergies.
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The easiest way for an agency to look good is to pick a KPI that can’t be audited.
That’s the whole game. You ask for growth. They pick the metric that moves fastest and connects to cash slowest. Suddenly the weekly update is a victory lap because CTR is up. Or CPM is down. Or “engagement” is strong. Or leads are “cheaper”. None of which tells you