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If I were building a portfolio company's sales function from zero, I would not start with a CRM. I would start with basic sales management. Because most companies do not have a software problem first. They have a discipline problem. The private equity reflex is always the same.
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When nobody wants to buy your company at the price you promised your LPs, sell it to yourself. Different fund. Same GP. Same asset. New set of fees. Fresh clock. Everyone smiles politely and pretends this is liquidity. Continuation vehicles have gone from niche plumbing to mainstream exit strategy. GP-
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IRR has had a lovely run. Very elegant. Very mathematical. Very useful if you enjoy explaining to LPs why their money is “performing” despite the small administrative detail that none of it has actually come back. Cash, unfortunately, is vulgar. It turns up or it doesn’t. And right now,
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Most private equity portfolios do not underperform because of obvious disasters. Yes, there is sometimes a bad deal. A broken thesis. A management blow up. A cyclical collapse dressed up in the IC memo as "temporary dislocation." Fine. But that is usually not where most of the damage
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Everyone is technically welcome. Almost nobody is getting in. In 2024, 1,021 PE funds closed and raised $382B. The bottom half of those funds raised 5% of the capital. The top 3% raised 43%. That is the power law with a monocle. The really brutal part is further down
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CEOs are confident in the vision. Awesome. So is every guy at a sports bar explaining how he’d fix the Cowboys after two Bud Lights. The problem is not ambition. The problem is the machine underneath it. According to Bain, 83% of CEOs say their investments and strategic decisions
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The 90 day plan is one of the most overused tools in private equity. Not because it is bad. Because almost nobody follows up on day 91. Everyone loves the first 90 days. There is energy. Urgency. Workstreams. A kick off. A long list of initiatives that make everyone feel
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The return math in private equity quietly reset. The growth a deal needs has roughly doubled, and it has to come out of the business, not the cap table. The seat that clears it is the CFO, redefined.
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Both promise to fix a portfolio company, but they answer different questions. If the business needs to grow, you want an operating partner. If it needs to stop bleeding, you want a turnaround firm.
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The deal was underwritten for five years. The company is still here in year eight. Almost nobody planned for the difference.
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By 11:30 someone has said operational excellence, AI-enabled sourcing, private credit tailwinds, and founder friendly at least twice. By lunch, three people have claimed to be disciplined in this market while actively bidding against each other. By drinks, somebody is explaining why their platform is differentiated even though
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Private equity firms love talking about buy and build. It sounds dynamic. Strategic. Operationally sophisticated. A nice way to imply the firm is not just buying cash flow and hoping the exit market stays in a good mood. The problem is most firms can buy. Very few can build. Buying